Well douche your snatch and let's go!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
