You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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