Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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