billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
They took my balls.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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