someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
