Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
