what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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