I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
