I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
