i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Rumble strips road head = magical
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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