So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
