I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
