You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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