Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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