that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
