TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
