on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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