just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So squirting runs in the family.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
