She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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