somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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