matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
