Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
