If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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