I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
