i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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