Porn is love you can see.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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