I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
