God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
