Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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