Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
