You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
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