you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
