I didn't shave. On purpose
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
