For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
