The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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