In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
