I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize