I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
