The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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