Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The air taste purple.
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