well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
