I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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