You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Of course I have a pirate flag
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
