apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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