I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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