the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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