that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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