Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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