You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize