I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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