Will you blow on my dice?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
