I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
