the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
50% drunk capacity currently
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
