I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
