Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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