my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
