he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
