If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
