i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
