last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
