In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
love makes seman taste better
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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