he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
