There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
