Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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