I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i would punch a child for taco bell
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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