This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
