I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
