a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
