I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
