The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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